Dreams
by kittykatloren
Summary: She wasn’t an option; never a possibility, for the most basic reasons. Yet a cold wave had seemed to wash over him as he watched her fall. Twoshot.
1. Unreachable

First of two vague, angsty shots. Please review and tell me who you picture as the pairing.

**Words:** 481  
**Characters:** Any  
**Time:** During the Tortall series' timeframes - depends on the pairing  
**Genre:** Angst

**EDITED**

* * *

He watched her absently, his mind trying to block out the intruding thoughts that often seemed to come whenever he set eyes on her. _It's perfectly understandable, _he told himself._ She's strong and smart. Why can't I love her? _There was a simple answer to that, and he knew it. But that was something he really didn't like to think about, because it always convinced him to turn away from her and go about his business.

But today he didn't. Today he stayed, slightly hidden in the shadows, staring at the sparkling lights that danced magnificently in her hair, a result of the blinding summer sun. She was kneeling on the ground, with a small, dark shape near her shoulder, and appeared to be showing something to a few of the young children. Drawing a picture in the dirt, perhaps. He couldn't catch her words across the distance, but he could tell she was speaking, and her voice was soft and sweet, for as hard a person as she sometimes had to be.

A gust of wind blew past, making the dust on the ground blow up with a great _whoosh_. The children to shrieked in either glee or fear; he couldn't tell. She just laughed a little, shaking her head. He caught a brief glimpse of her smile – it was always beautiful. Always a little sad, but beautiful. Her smiles reflected her entire life: struggles, peaceful moments, everything in between. To him, each one was a bittersweet reminder of what he couldn't have. He had a lot in his life, he figured, and he had worked for it. But no matter how hard he worked, he knew could never gain the one thing he wanted most. She could never be his. He _knew_ that. There were _reasons_ he couldn't be with her, and nothing to justify why he, over someone far more deserving, would be worthy of her company.

_But I love her._

_But that never matters._

_No one could love her as much as I do._

_She's happy. Leave her be and let her choose someone for herself._

_Can I do that?_

No. He couldn't. But he'd have to. He liked being around her too much to purposefully avoid her and put an end to his troublesome thoughts. Many times, they _had_ to be together, to work and to plan. So he'd have to think of something else to stop himself from ruining everything they had, which would surely happen if he told her how he felt. It wasn't that he was ashamed or frightened of rejection, though that was inevitable. There was more to it than that. For she wasn't an option; never a possibility, for the most basic reasons.

She was unreachable.


	2. Everything

Part two. Thank you to all reviewers! Please, feel free to leave any review at all.

**Words: **623  
**Characters: **Any  
**Time:** Future  
**Genre:** Tragedy

**EDITED**

* * *

Everything.

A cold wave had seemed to wash over him as he watched her fall.

He had never really comprehended her death before. Of course, each time she went away on one of her missions he knew there was a high chance that everything could change in an instant. He knew and accepted that. It came with loving someone who served the kingdom. But he had never really let himself imagine what it would be like without her. If he had, he didn't think he would ever have let her out of his arms. And then he saw the arrows hit her, squarely, three in the back. He had frozen as she fell forward, away from him, curving gracefully towards the ground. Everything else had ceased to exist. Just him, unmoving, unable to help, and her still body thirty yards away.

What if he hadn't let her go just that one time? If he had just kept her in his arms, in his tight embrace? He could still remember their last words to each other.

"_I'll take the left side. You take care of everything here!"_

_He nodded, grabbed her hand, and pulled her into a fierce, brief kiss. "Love you. Be careful."_

_She nodded, whipped around, and sped off to the fight._

To her death. To the end of everything.

There was so much more he should have said, he realized numbly. So much they never talked about. His first thought was that he should've told her he was sorry for forgetting that he should never give the children tea and toy weapons before bed. They got so _wild_. He should have apologized for the things he'd done that hurt her, and for everything that had gone so nightmarishly wrong in their homeland even if he couldn't control it.

He should have told her everything about his past. Looking back, he realized how little she really knew.

He should have done anything and everything for her. Told her everything. He should have apologized, stopped her going off alone, told her again and again that she was everything to him, everything that mattered….

Now he stood looking at her calm, still face. Life had reanimated after those few cold seconds when the arrows hit. Everything had become sharper, and it hadn't been long before he had destroyed her killer - painfully. No mercy. But as everything sunk in again, life slowed once more, until it was in danger of stopping completely. Without her, why should it go on? Why should _he_? Sometimes he had selfishly hoped he would die first, so he would never have to endure this. She was strong, she would have continued without him. He banished these thoughts whenever they arose, knowing he would leave her to a world of pain if he died first. But still, he couldn't always stop himself from hoping.

He would never be whole again. But as the autumn sun set, shining as crimson as blood, a single tear rolled down his cheek and landed on her nose. He brushed it away gently. Nothing should mar her beauty, even in death, without her striking eyes alive with love and laughter.

His daughter's arms wrapped around his own. A friend's trembling yet comforting hand gripped his shaking shoulder.

He would go on, he realized. For his children, his friends, his kingdom. He would continue to live, work, and love.

But he would never be the same. Everyone who saw him would notice an emptiness in his eyes that would never be filled; a light that had disappeared. Part of him was gone.

But he would find it again - he would see her again - someday far in the future.

Love was everything.

Everything.


End file.
